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Brandon's mother had a very good question when she asked me;
"why didn't you ever contact Brandon after his father
died?"
It is one that I would have asked myself, as a mother, and a subject I would have probably been very curt and
angry over when my child was suddenly being contacted after 5 years of silence, and a question that would make me step between
a grandmother's contact and my child, in protection of my child's feelings, to resolve before I let them have contact with
my blessing.
But...
it was NOT one I expected from Denise.
It's one of the many subjects that Brandon's mother and I are discussing
and that I hope we can work through in a way that gives her understanding and belief (for it is the truth) so that he and
we may have her approved contact very soon.
Meanwhile,
Here is what went wrong:
I don't remember the exact date, but it was early on in my association with Denise and
Brandon.
I had a small package of coloring books, game books, colored pens and pencils, with a letter, ready to send
to Brandon the next day, planning on using the USPS. As I feared it was too large for an apartment mailbox, and didn't know
if their apartments had a package drop or if it would be taken to the apartment office for her to pick up (like was done at
most of ours),
I decided to call to give Denise a heads up.
That was also a convenient excuse to try to speak with
Brandon,
and to see if he would like what I was sending.
When I called the number, I got an auto message that
said the number I had dialed had been disconnected. I was immediately furious with David. As I knew, from my own experience,
how hard it was to make ends meet when a father did not send child support that was depended on, and had myself been forced
to let phone service be turned off until I got in enough to take care of the matter; I immediately thought the disconnection
of service had occurred due to David's failure to send his child support payment, so I simply clicked the phone off and then
right back on again and called my son, angry from the start.
My first statement to him upon his answering was a terse,
angry accusation question of something like:
"You didn't pay your child support again this month, did you!?"
His
response was an angry, defensive one (as well it should have been) to the fact that he most certainly did. So my next question
was sheepish, asking him him "then what is the deal with Denise's phone?" When he asked me what I meant, and I told him about
the disconnect message, he immediately gave the explanation that she was moving as we spoke and that she had probably
already shut the old phone number off, and that she had a new number she wasn't giving out to but a few, with me being one
at the top of the list of nots.
As conversations between Denise and I had always been curt on her part, no matter
how non intrusive and cooperative I tried to be, and always left me feeling that me and my calls were never
welcome, and always at inconvenient times, always made brief by Denise... I could easily accept that.
David
explained that my contact with Brandon would have to be through him from now on and that Denise wanted it that way. As David
had often spoke of what he felt was Denise's bitterness, anger and rejection at him and all of his family that she felt should
provide for Brandon, includng me... and again spoke volumes of it to explain at the time, I could easily believe and accept
what David said as plausible. From that evening forward, I never spoke to Denise, or Brandon while he was at his mothers,
again.
All contact was with Brandon only, through David only.
The package was relabeled and sent to David's
As was all future mail.
I was never comfortable with the situation for a few reasons:
1) I was never sure David would
remember to give Brandon my letters, notes or packages when the visitation days would finally come, and had to keep after
him about it. He did forget a couple of times, which I found out about through talking to Brandon and asking how he liked
so and so; and then it was even more nerve wracking.
2) Just talking to Brandon when he was at his Dad's was just
not enough for me. I wanted more.
3) I wanted a better relationship with Brandon's mom, because of Brandon; so I could
become a better, more involved part of Brandon's life. And I knew that was going to take a lot of time and fighting through
her rejection of me.
Occasionally, I would speak to David about Denise's feelings towards me, and ask him
if he thought she would be open to trying with me again, but always got the answer that she felt, and with time, he said he
came to feel the same too, that it was better if Brandon's association with me came through the Dad because I was the Dad's
side of the family,
and that she would take care of Brandon's association with her side of the family.
I did not enjoy
it and had plenty to say about it, but could do nothing to change it.
At first I kept hoping Denise would have a change of heart or mind and call me
and give me the new number and address...
but that never happened.
So when David died suddenly
like that,
I failed,in the midst of my grief and too late to attend their funeral,
To realize that I now had no way
to contact Brandon.
Those of the Engles family in Baltimore failed to return messages I
left after their funeral,
or did not know what I needed to know,
or would not say.
I wondered if they knew
and just weren't telling me from some scheme of their own...
You just never know about some people.
My last hope
was that Denise would eventually remember that I didn't have her phone number or new address and would contact me, now that
I did not have David to go through.
But that never happened.
Denise says it was because she had never moved! Or had her number changed!
She now informs me that she did not move until a year and a half after David passed away!!
All I can think now
is that I must have dialed the number wrong,
That David quickly saw a way out from under the pressure of Mom keeping tabs
on him through Denise and Denise's comments concerning his Mom...
And so effectively ended our association from then
on with his speedily concocted story.
I am sure He never thought his end was so near
or realized that his end
would become mine and Brandon's end.
I wish we'd all been ready.
So many unfinished dreams.
So much hurt.
Now that I am older and wiser, and have been removed enough
to think about all the details involved with that time, the situations and the people (David, Brandon and Denise... and the
Engles)...
I can see why my calls to Denise might have not have been welcomed, may even have met with bitterness,
suspicion and even resented.
What I was feeling was a hungry 'Grandmother ache' to be nearer Brandon, to be much more
involved, to just gobble him up and run away from both parents with him, out of a natural born love... that caused me to jump
right in there.
But I realize now that all Denise could see was another interfering 'Engle' that provided nothing
but lip service without what she felt was the real caring that would touch their pocket books or convenience their lives.
I wanted her to feel excited and eagerly welcome the little that I could do right into their lives ...
It was
ridiculous for me to think or want that, but I did... because of the Grandchild I had looked forward to from the time his
Dad was little.
So maybe she seemed standoffish to me because I wanted so much more, and because I wanted the little
I was able to give to be eagerly welcomed.
I am regretful that I did not work harder to show her who and what we out
here in Texas really were, or how much I really cared.
David's Side Of The Story
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